July 1st

July 1, 2010

It’s been a little more than a year since our arrival in New Orleans. Just before our first anniversary I spent 2 weeks in Mexico with my closest friend. Fully renewed --I desperately needed a break from my job, my man, my life and, as it turns out the city-- I returned with gusto. I was fully committed to look at things with fresh eyes, with high spirits and a positive attitude. That lasted about an hour. Literally.

A day later I had lost my job and fell back into depression. Try as I might my so-called world seemed to have a negative slant. Even the weight loss was sure to have experienced had actually been weight gain. I felt like shit all over again. I was a giant piece of depressing shit that was without a job or a clue. I did none of the things I said I would do. I did not write in my blog, read more books nor did I commit myself to an exercise regimen. Instead, I started smoking after quitting successfully for a year (the one thing I had been proud of myself for doing) and I drank as much or more than I had been.

I still struggle with the city --with my life-- but I suppose all of that is natural as a “middle aged” woman in a new city. Not long ago I was a young, thin, over-achieving professional with a thriving career . . . or so I thought. Maybe I gave up. Maybe I was pursuing something that I no longer felt challenged by. Maybe I wasn’t even doing the things that I should have been. Maybe I didn’t know what I wanted so I picked up impulsively, like I had some 17 years prior, and relocated somewhere new. Better or worse, it was new.

Recently, I’ve been taking it in better stride but that is only in great part due to the fact I have been virtually free of burden. Sure, I still have to pay the bills, cook most the meals, and do all of the laundry house work and domestic administrative work but I was doing that anyway while working 45 hours a week at a job that made me want to cut my throat – or yours. Whomever it seemed more convenient to take my rage out against. I will have to continue all of those things and I will eventually, sooner rather than later, have to find gainful (and hopefully meaningful) employment. But I feel more like things will come together – at least I feel more like they will more than I feel like they won’t. Here I am today doing my laundry across the street and for a change I felt like yelling at the nasty woman speaking down to the laundry assistant instead of the assistant herself. Note: I still felt like yelling at someone. But that too is improving.

I walk a little lighter these days (not literally as the weight loss still seems illusive) and occasionally with a smile on my face. I’m surprised when I notice it, (when I am smiling) because for the last few years I seem to do that only when I am in Mexico. I started wearing make-up and fixing my hair but often here in the heat, humidity, and heavy rain it is an exercise in futility. I suppose it is meaningful that I try.

I have cooked a lot this last year. That has been fun if not detrimental to my non-existent waist line. I still laugh at my sense of outrage when I feel my knowledge of food or its preparation is minimized by someone one – whether they are more or less knowing than I. And then I remind myself my scope is actually relatively small – my error numerous. (I can’t even begin to tell you how bad my hash browns were yesterday --HASHBROWNS for god sake-- all because I totally forgot to wash the starch free of the shreds and didn’t remember until it turned into a glutinous mucky mess. ) I still get embarrassed when I realize I have grown less smart and my vocabulary more narrow – especially after insisting to my friends that I am smart and vocabulary diverse. I still wish there were more hours in the day and that I was more motivated. I did, after all, spend tan entire day this last weekend in bed doing nothing more than eating and watching tv after having had a 3 day bender.
Sure, yesterday I had a grilled cheese sandwich made with fake cheese singles and too much ketchup for lunch. I smoked one cigarette (hey, only one today!) and I am going to go make myself a margarita in a few short minutes but, hey, I feel okay with it. Because, like I said, I am taking things in greater stride these days. I feel more like things will get better more than I feel like they could get worse.